Imposter Syndrome

I had this year started binging on "The Chosen", the Amazon Prime series about the lives of Jesus and His disciples. I had held off thinking it might have been more of the melodramatic dreck often passed off as devotional programming, or worse yet some heretical retelling, but it surprised me how well it was done. Recently I watched the scene of Our Lord walking on the water, and Peter getting half-way there before sinking like a rock.

This Sunday at Mass we read the same story from St. Matthew's Gospel (Mt. 14.22-33). There the story is much more clearly and less dramatically presented, but the bones are the same. The disciples head out ahead of Jesus, they encounter a storm on a boat not really built for it, they see Jesus walking on the water and totally lose their composure, and St. Peter, knowing finally it is the Lord, partakes in the miracle until suddenly...imposter syndrome kicks in.

I admit, this may be too much projecting 21st Century psychobabble on the story, but one must consider that at first heeding the call and stepping out in faith, St. Peter suddenly realized that he was human, the weather was less than ideal, and he was on the Sea of Galilee without a boat under him. All of a sudden he was beset with the feelings that he was way over his head (literally), and he went down like a rock with a lead vein in it. Jesus of course fished him out, but He admonished Peter for doubting the call that Jesus had given to St. Peter.

Many of us are like St. Peter. We get calls to ministry every day of our lives that we feel are way outside our wheelhouses and for which we are woefully unsuited. Needless to say, if we concentrate on the feelings of inadequacy we like St. Peter begin to flounder, and we feel like we are drowning. Truly, if it is something to which we are not called and for which we are unqualified, no one should really doubt a lackluster performance, but God calls us constantly to service and work in the Kingdom of Heaven that stretch us, sometimes painfully so, and almost always in the middle of some sort of storm. This is where faith, trust, belief that the Lord will give us the ability to do what needs to be done, is essential. We must never take our eyes off the Lord, which means stay in tune via prayer and contemplation of Him and constantly seek the will of the Father in whatever is set before us. Yes, our feet will get wet, our clothes will be soaked, and our hair a sodden mess, but if we keep our eyes on the Lord, then we'll stay on the right side of the water.

[Image of Jesus and St. Peter Walking on the Sea of Galilee, Mosaic from Monreale Cathedral, Sicily, 12th Century]